[KEYBOARD CLACKING, BUTTONS BEEPING]
[VERDI'S "LIBIAMO NE'LIETI CALICI" PLAYING]
[LAUGHING]
[GRUNTING]
[SIRENS APPROACHING]
[G.H.O.S.T. & XL'S "LOCKED DOWN" PLAYING]
* This goes out to all My people *
* Lost in the system *
* Whoa *
* A lockdown *
* Whoa *
* Smile for the camera *
* Whoa *
* They can't keep me in here Forever *
* I see you walkin' With your head down *
* Locked down *
* You got a right To be scared now *
* Locked down *
* You never see the light Of the sun *
* Only suits and khaki 'Cause your life is done *
* Uh, uh *
* Take your place At your two-man cell *
* Think about the good times *
* But crime got you Into hell *
* A bad decision Just look at how you lived it *
* You wastin' away *
* With lonely years You were given *
* Maybe your alcohol Made you lose your mind *
* No, merely, it was just A wrong space and time *
* So tell me What could be worse? *
* You're feeling down On your luck *
* Why your cellmate Staring, like, what? *
Is there a problem?
[DOOR BUZZING IN BACKGROUND]
You're that guy.
Yeah, you're that guy with the crazy family.
Yeah. Harvey.
Harvey Wallbanger.
Yeah, that's it.
That's you.
Bellinger.
Ah, well. Tell you what, Harvey Barringer,
better make yourself at home.
You gonna be here a while.
Don't worry, I'm not here for long.
["LOCKED IN" CONTINUING]
MAN: Bellinger.
Showtime.
[LOCK CLICKS]
* Years later I'm still doin' hard time *
* Locked down *
* Convicted felon Prayin' for a peace of mind *
* I watch time What else can I do? *
* 'Cause in jail, the system Really trash you *
* I can't see another year Bein' locked down *
* I can't take another charge *
* Or be knocked down *
* Shackled and chained I wanna see my lawyer *
* "Man, I can't do nothin' For you" *
* So where the governor at? *
MAN 1: Who's up next here? MAN 2: Bellinger, Harvey A.
MAN 1: Oh, yes. Yes. MAN 2: The arsonist.
We have a half hour with him.
No, no. No, not a half hour.
I'm hungry. It's late.
[WHISPERS] Lunchtime.
[CHAIR SCRAPES]
[SIGHS]
Bellinger, Harvey A.?
Yes.
I'm Deputy Commissioner Orr.
This is Commissioner Rishwain.
And District Hearing Agent Tanaka.
You've got 10 minutes.
HARVEY: All right.
Lydia Anne Layton.
[***]
She was the wet dream of every teenage boy
from Pasadena to Pennsylvania.
She did, uh, some modeling,
few B movies...
but her real moment of glory
was her Playboy pictorial.
"Screen Sirens, 1975."
[MOANING]
RISHWAIN: Stop right there.
Are you for real?
Do not make the mistake of mocking this panel.
Okay, what does this have to do with arson?
HARVEY: Setup and payoff.
Yeah, if I don't set it up properly, the payoff,
the fire, will make absolutely no sense,
and you'll never know why I did it
or if I'll do it again.
You've got eight minutes.
[INHALES]
So I got married...
to a woman just like Mom. [***]
That was my first mistake.
And after 17 years of the American dream...
[WOMAN MOANING]
...I find my wife doing the sprinkler guy
in the garage.
[GROANS] She got the house,
I got the payments.
And let us not forget, a job...
selling toilets.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
The one truly perfect result
of our unholy union...
my little girl, Audrey.
She was nothing like her mother, thank God.
Perfect little princess.
[MOANING]
Oh.
[SIREN APPROACHING] Ah!
OFFICER [ON BULLHORN]: This is the L.A.P.D.
Everyone in a single line.
Have your ID cards and/or driver's license ready.
HARVEY: If it had not been for her one night
of teenage indiscretion,
I would never have run headlong
into my destiny:
Lydia...
Anne...
Layton.
Screen siren, 1975.
And, of course...
[NEEDLE SCRATCHES]
...the product of her unholy first union,
the demon seed.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
It wasn't long before I was gone.
[PIANO PLAYING]
So, Audrey, your dad tells me
that you and Colby actually knew each other
before our little run-in with the police.
Uh...
Uh, well, uh--
Well, we're in the same class?
Cool. So you guys are buds.
Yeah.
Uh, we're really quite close.
Ah. Well. This is the first I've heard of it.
[CHUCKLES] That's excellent.
HARVEY: So everything was perfect.
We were like two kids in love.
It was amazing.
[PACHELBEL'S "CANON IN D MINOR" PLAYING]
I can't believe this is happening.
This is so weird.
Yep.
Our deal still stands, right?
No one is to know. I got your word?
Water under the bridge.
Ugh.
[***]
[MAN CLEARS THROAT] MAN 2: Sorry, bro.
HARVEY: Any of you know the true meaning of obsession?
And I'm talking roll-up-your-sleeves,
pull-your-head-out-of-your--
pardon my colorful language
--ass, lost-all-common-sense
obsession.
RISHWAIN: Eh, okay, we get the picture.
Uh, no. I don't think you do.
[***]
[WOMAN MOANING]
[GRUNTING]
[GASPING]
[MOANING] [GRUNTING]
RISHWAIN: Mr. Bellinger, this board
is not the slightest bit interested
in your sexual exploits, no matter how imaginative.
Well, uh...
turns out that, uh,
sex...was the more benign
of Lydia's addictions.
[PHONE DIALING, MODEM CONNECTING]
Remember early 2000?
Come on, Intel. The beginning of the end.
And I'm not talking Y2K.
Come on, Intel.
Come on. We were all gonna get rich.
Stupid rich. Emphasis on "stupid."
The NASDAQ had climbed from 1500 to 5000
in a little over a year. Come on, Intel.
Everyone and their second cousin's dog was day trading.
But things were just starting to unravel.
Like a cheap sweater.
Sixty seven and five-eighths. Wha--?
I've got the confirmation number right here: YTO376.
Good morning, Dow Jones. [WHIMPERS]
I made mommy an espresso. Come on.
Come on, WorldCom. Come on.
Not in that direction. Not in that direction.
That direction. Yes!
[RINGS] Finally. Yes!
Thanks, sweets. I almost got caught with my pants down
this morning, with all my short positions.
The market's gone berserk. Everything's going up.
Thankfully, I saved the day by covering my short positions
and going long on everything.
Just made 7 grand in 20 minutes. How about that?
Huh? Yeah, I'm still here.
Hm?
I love you. Now...
don't forget to pick up the costumes.
The place closes at 5.
W-what? What?
[***]
So you're telling me I have no margin left to trade?
I had 150K yesterday, and now I'm 150K underwater?
MAN [ON PHONE]: I'm sorry, ma'am.
It looks like they changed the margin rate on your JDSU
from 35 percent to 50 percent. [WHIMPERS]
You can't do that.
[DOG YELPS]
[GASPS] [DOG WHIMPERING]
Oh.
Credit cards, credit cards.
[***]
Oh.
* Ooh *
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[***]
[COMPUTERS BEEPING]
[WHISPERS] Very good.
Harv?
Oh.
Here you go.
Uh-- Harvey, um--
I'm missing page three.
And I need page two.
Harvey...
what is all this stuff?
Remake orders for another 2314 re-glazes
on fixtures for Landmark CMT.
[***]
Yeah, I'm sorry, ma'am. This one was declined as well.
Look at my face, honey. I'm a hormonal menace.
And if I have to hear "I'm sorry, ma'am"
one more time, I'm gonna have to hit somebody.
Oh. This is Lydia Anne Layton Bellinger. What is the problem?
WOMAN: I'm sorry, ma'am. Excuse me?
Lydia Anne Layton. You were in It Lives part 1 and 2.
You were great in those.
[SIGHS] Ma'am?
[WHIMPERS]
Ma'am?
Harvey...
got a minute? [PATS BACK]
Yeah.
LYDIA: I can't believe they did this to you.
Well, you can hardly blame them, Mom.
I mean, Harv here can barely operate a microwave.
I'd have cut you loose long ago,
hired a couple of hungry Young Turks
for the hit they took paying you.
'Course the company would get nailed on the benefits.
But if you run the numbers, at the end of the day,
it was a good call.
Uh, I mean, for the company.
For you, it sucks.
Can't you ever just shut up? Hey. Hey!
It sucks for all of us. We're a family. Come on, Colby.
MAN [ON TV]: You don't get to be number one in anything.
I don't care if you're playing Ping-Pong.
[CLICKS MUTE]
[WATER RUNNING, TEETH BRUSHING]
That unctuous Wharton pinhead
said I was an analog dinosaur.
LYDIA: Honey, you had an off-day.
Don't work yourself into a midlife crisis.
Well, who's kidding who?
I sell toilets for a living, Lydia.
When you need a place to shit, you come to me.
Yeah, but you're the best at it.
[SIGHS] You don't have to sell toilets.
You could get any sales job you wanted.
You're just trying to pump me up.
I haven't begun to pump you up.
[***]
You're not the only one that's going to be doing
some sucking tonight, my dear count.
Hm.
AUDREY: Dad, I'm looking for Dow's leash.
[GASPS]
[GROANING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
LYDIA: Oh, my God! Ah!
Get in. AUDREY: Oh, my God!
[WHINES]
[HARVEY CHUCKLING]
All right, so then what?
HARVEY: Well, it was time for the analog dinosaur
to face the digital jungle.
I assume you know how to use your PowerPoint.
To squirt the bird-- With tons of spam.
The bigger your bandwidth... The better your chances...
For an extended hard drive-- In the lap link--
With the fastest processor-- Known to man.
I'm sure you know-- That digital compression--
Can make for unsatisfactory performance.
You have to be familiar-- With adequate protection.
From viruses. After the inevitable download--
Of your MPEG-- You'll have to take your TIFF.
GIF. And zip it.
But only after-- The hardware turns to--
Software. Because if you wind up with a--
Breach in the stream or a-- Leak in your firewall--
You'll hire a specialist-- To determine if the problem--
Is in your chips or your salsa.
Any questions?
RISHWAIN: Okay, okay, okay. Mr. Bellinger.
Is there the slightest relevant fact in our foreseeable future?
Because your 10 minutes are over, and it's lunch.
O-Or-- Or we could order in and-- And work through.
There's a Noah's Bagel down the road.
Oh. C-could I have a-a Nova lox on a poppy seed bagel?
Uh, maybe a crunchy dill pickle, please?
Make that two pickles.
LYDIA: Thank God for cash advances.
...following reporting of consumer confidence...
[***]
What the--?
[BEEPING]
[PHONE DIALING]
WOMAN: Bruce Horton's office.
This is Lydia Bellinger. 723-1992.
My account is frozen. What's up?
I'm sorry, ma'am, but we've had to suspend your trading.
What do you mean, no more trading?
Bill Gates, Harvard dropout, 60 billion.
Michael Dell, 16 billion, quit UT.
Steve Jobs dropped out after one semester
and went on to build a little company called Apple.
The list goes on and on, Mom.
There's just no point in wasting time in college.
A full 18 percent of every billionaire in America
never even got a college diploma.
I can't afford the setback in terms of years.
It might be too late already.
The IPO window is closing fast.
HARVEY: Okay. Listen up.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing. Okay.
I've been putting this off,
hoping things would somehow turn around,
but, uh, we're gonna have to batten down the hatches,
dip into our nest egg.
Let's all have a prayer of thanks
for your mom's residuals.
[SCOFFS] Now, I'm expecting you both
to be very grown-up about this.
Audrey?
Yep.
All nonessentials... are history
until we turn things around.
Satellite, cable, DSL,
piano, tap dancing,
restaurants, magazine subscriptions, tango lessons,
horseback riding, tennis, yoga,
Dr. Jacobs.
You guys wanna keep any of this stuff,
you're gonna have to get jobs.
And your cars...
Unless you come up with the money
to cover the insurance...
we're selling 'em.
[***]
No car?
How am I supposed to get to school?
It's called a bus, Audrey.
You know. Bus.
All of it?!
It's all gone?
It's not as bad as it sounds.
What does that mean?
Many are unrealized losses.
To whom?
I realize the losses perfectly well.
As long as we don't sell, it's just on paper.
This is pretty much the bottom of the market.
You said it was going up.
It was.
This is just, uh, a little correction.
Little? We're wiped out.
You've gotta think long-term. Over time,
these are sure winners. We're talking Enron here.
Oh. WorldCom, Global Crossing.
It's not like I gambled
on some fly-by-night penny stocks.
These are blue-chip plays.
Ah. [SIGHS]
[SOBS]
We're fucked.
[SIGHS]
Just fucked.
You know what this means, don't you?
We're gonna be living off of our credit cards.
What?
I just-- Well, I sort of took out some cash advances.
Sort of?
Just to cover some margin calls!
[ROARS]
[SOBBING]
[***]
Harvey!
You gambled our life savings away.
Those are my life savings, first off.
Well, I see.
When it's convenient, they're your life savings.
When it's debts, they're my debts.
[GRUNTS]
Well, here's your computer.
Put that down this instant! Okay.
Harvey!
[GROANS] Harvey!
[SCREAMS, GASPS]
Well. I guess we don't have to worry
about that problem anymore. [SOBBING]
You fucking jerk!
[CRYING]
Oh, my God.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hm.
Colby!
It's your girlfriend.
WOMAN: What the hell's going on?
Old Harv pulled the plug on the nonessentials
'cause he's too obsolete to find a job.
AUDREY [MUFFLED]: She, like, bent over the tailgate
of his four-by-four behind the theater,
and he drove her all the way home.
GIRL [ON PHONE]: No way.
Way. Why do you think she's been standing in class
for, like, a week?
Don't eavesdrop, Randi.
You, of all people, are gonna lecture me
on the morality of privacy?
You spend your days and nights
looking at naked chicks on the Web.
Oh, yeah. No. I mean, you don't have to.
Here.
AUDREY [OVER COMPUTER]: Oh, my God. Would you?
I mean, I wonder what a rear delivery feels like.
Could you ever? No way.
Well, I don't know. Maybe.
If I were really drunk, for the right guy.
Do you hear an echo?
GIRL: What do you mean, echo? No.
You know, rumor has it, when you were really drunk,
your stepbro was the right guy.
[GASPS] Um...
What?!
Oh!
TOY: I'm Comet the Hippo. Wanna play?
Hmm.
You fucking little prick! How dare you!
Whoa! I thought we had a deal.
Nancy knows.
If she fucking knows,
the whole goddamn school knows, you asshole!
Chill.
Nobody cares.
Besides, I never told Nancy.
You told your little freak friend here, didn't you?
I'm the freak friend.
Randi, did I ever tell you
Audrey and I had drunken, messy,
and not-that-impressive silly sex
in a momentary lapse of judgment last year
in a bathroom stall? [WHINES]
Mm?
Sorry. Guess I did.
Must have slipped.
God!
What's the big deal?
Oh, hey now! Come on! Whoa.
How much do you like your toy here, Colby,
you asshole loser? Look-- Heh.
Come on now, Audrey. That cost nearly 5 grand.
You heard what your dad said!
Promise me you'll deny anything ever happened.
COLBY: Okay, okay!
Say it! Say "I promise."
I promise. I'll deny ever having
uninteresting, lame sex with you. Oh--
If you don't deny this, you are one dead asshole!
Audrey, who's gonna believe you two ever had sex?
Really? Rumors, that's it.
Say "I'm a loser."
You're a loser.
[GASPS]
Okay. Okay.
I'm a loser.
Now say, "I'm the biggest loser in school,
and I have a little limp dick."
Well, you know firsthand, or mouth, that's a total lie.
Okay. Okay.
I'm the biggest loser in school,
and I have a little dick.
Louder! And it's "little limp dick."
I'm the biggest loser in school, and I have a limp little dick.
Now can I have my computer?
Mm.
Sure.
Oops. Must have slipped.
Oh!
[COMPUTER CRUNCHES]
You bitch!
[AUDREY SHRIEKS]
Get back here.
Come here. AUDREY: Oh, my God.
RANDI: Colby! Stop.
No! Ow!
RANDI: Come on, let her go.
Ahh!
[GROANS] I got your limp dick.
RANDI: Colby! Come on.
Get off me. Get off.
Oh, my God! What have you done to her hair?
His psycho daughter decimated my laptop.
Daddy, it was an accident. I didn't mean to.
Oh, well. It seems to run in the family.
HARVEY: Hold tight, hon.
Mom, it was deliberate. She did it on purpose.
HARVEY: Is this true?
[MOANS]
Daddy, I didn't mean to.
You fucking liar!
Hey, watch your tongue!
That's it. Go into your room.
Randi, time to go home.
Grab some ice.
[DOOR SLAMS] [SIGHS]
You all right?
[***]
[GIRLS MOANING, LAUGHING ON COMPUTER]
[GIRL SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
GIRL: Ah!
[SQUEALING, LAUGHING]
Love it!
Oh! Ah!
* Ah *
[KEYS CLACKING]
* Da-da-da, da, da *
* Da, da *
* Da-da-da-da *
* Da *
* Da-da-da, da, da, da, da *
[BRAKES SCREECH]
* Da-da-da-da *
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[SCANNER BEEPING]
[G TOM MAC'S "I SEE YOU" PLAYING]
* Watch you, watch me See you through my naked eye *
* Watch the future Turn up your TV *
* Look at what You've never seen *
* There are no limits To the modern spy *
* If you want to be My future star *
[DRILL WHIRRING]
* All you've got to do Is open up your windows *
* Up to mine Every day is prime time *
* Never mind your cable days *
* They're so over Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *
* Take a look around *
* There's the future Goin' down *
* Am I gonna Change the world? *
* I don't think so today *
* Ooh-wah today *
* I see you... *
WOMAN: I knew this day would come.
I see the way you people live.
There's something systematically wrong
with your entire generation.
Consume, consume.
Spend, spend.
You have always lived beyond your means.
It's been your problem your whole life.
Doris, I think you're being a little unfair here.
I'll get to you in a second.
This is the most pampered,
self-indulgent era in history.
Now look where it's gotten you.
COLBY: How about SeeMySister'sSkankyAss.com?
[KEYS CLACKING]
[COMPUTER BEEPS] Taken.
RANDI: Try SeeMySister'sAss.com.
[COMPUTER BEEPS] It's taken.
Every possible combination of words is friggin' taken.
My naked sister and her lesbian friends.
[COLBY TYPING]
It's too long.
Yeah, but what a grabber, huh?
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Colby, do you, um--
Do you think I'm pretty?
Ahh, umm...
Yeah, I'd say you're pretty smart.
And I'd take smart over pretty any day of the week.
So...
"My Sister's Naked Ass."
So, how much should we charge?
I was thinking a buck a hit or something.
I mean, no one takes you seriously
unless you charge 'em.
Hm. Wait.
What about "I See You"?
I like that one.
[COMPUTER BEEPS] Taken.
Wait. Why don't you try, um--
Try it with hyphens.
Like, "I-hypen-See- hypen-You"?
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
You're a genius.
I love you.
Get out of here.
You had no idea this was going on right under your nose?
Nope.
Now, let me get this straight now.
Your voyeur stepson...
plants a camera in his sister's room.
Then broadcasts it over the Internet,
so that strangers and perverts
can watch her undress?
Well, yeah.
HARVEY: Listen, we were way ahead of the curve.
Survivor, the Simple Life, Joe Millionaire, Big Brother.
Even My Big, Fat, Obnoxious Fiancé.
All these shows proved that manufactured reality sells.
But you deliver the real deal,
you throw some skin in.
Hey, there's a lot of regular guys like you and me
that'll pay cash to see that sort of train wreck.
Not just freaks.
See, I think...
it's the-- The stark reality.
The fact that she did not know anybody was watching.
See, that's what made it so enticing.
No, no. I'll tell you what made it so enticing.
The stark nakedness of your daughter.
[***]
That too.
Two-dollar peepshow.
It's unbelievable.
Well, it started out as a dollar peepshow, but not for long.
Within a couple of months, Colby not only got his revenge,
but a little windfall going.
He was making more money than I was selling cars.
[BUZZING]
["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]
* Dashing through the snow *
* In a one-horse open sleigh *
Oh, we may have to use this paper again next year.
* We're laughing all the way *
* Bells on bob tails ring *
Killer Piranhas?
It Lives, part one, part two!
Oh, Lydia.
Where did you find these?
Amazon.com.
The Net's an amazing thing.
Thank you. I love you.
LYDIA: Mm. I love you.
Okay, then.
* Oh, what fun it is... *
To Audrey from Colby.
* Jingle bells, jingle bells *
* Jingle all the way *
* Oh, what fun it is to ride *
* In a one-horse open sleigh *
Batteries?
Yeah. You know, for your toys?
Oh, you have toys?
What sort of toys, hon?
Well, let's see. She's got the Spiky Salamander,
the Dura-Dong Deep Drone...
[GASPS]
What?
Little prick!
Audrey.
Colby, what's with you?
Yeah, what's this all about?
Why can't you two get along?
I know. It's like there's some sexual tension or something.
[WOMEN GASP]
LYDIA: Colby, you didn't.
What? Colby!
Hey. It's a joke, Mom.
It's a joke.
A joke?
RANDI: Ha. Damn, things are never that interesting over here.
Well, how'd they take it?
Yeah. I don't know if they bought the whole "joke" thing.
[LAUGHS] It's like a regular soap opera.
I swear, you should put cameras in every room.
Yeah, right.
A camera in every room?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey.
[G TOM MAC'S "I SEE YOU" PLAYING]
* I see you *
[BEEP]
* Watch you watch me See you through my naked eye *
* Watch the picture Turn off your TV *
* Look at what You've never seen *
* There are no limits To the modern spy *
* If you want to be My future star *
* All you got to do is open up Your windows up to mine *
* Every day is prime time Never mind your cable days *
* There so over Yeah, yeah, yeah *
* Take a look around Is the future going down? *
* Am I gonna change the world I don't think so today *
* Ooh-wa, today *
* I see you in the click Of real time *
* You could make it What you like *
* I see you From another point of view *
* Watching everything You do *
* Watch what everybody Wants to see through mine *
* Watch you, watch, you need me On the reel *
* We can make it Mass appeal *
* I see your vision I can never lie *
* I see everything And everymove-- *
Look. Oh, there's my mom.
* All you really want to do Open your windows *
* Up to mine Every day is prime time *
[GRUNTING]
* They're so over Yeah, yeah, yeah *
* Take a look around Is the future going... *
Well, that explains a few things.
RANDI: This is gonna be so weird.
And now, let's let the world know we're here.
Credit card? Mm.
Every room?
Even the bathroom?
No, every room except the little maid's bathroom downstairs,
which no one hardly used anyway.
Of course, Colby...
thoughtfully installed four cameras
in my bathroom alone.
[FARTING]
[GRUNTS]
[***]
Shit.
Great.
Uh.
WOMAN: Hey, did you take my loofa?
Oh. [LAUGHING]
Ew.
Oh, my god, Alicia. You have got to come here and see this.
ALICIA: You used my loofa again, didn't you?
Mm.
Oh, my God. Alicia.
Right now!
ALICIA: What?
Oh! [CHUCKLING]
Oh, my God, Alicia. You are gonna miss the whole thing.
Get over here right now.
[WATER FLOWING]
[WOMAN MOANING]
Hey, Mike?
Have you ever met Bellinger's wife?
No. But I'm meeting her now.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Hm.
[CHUCKLING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Hey.
Hold on a second.
When they call?
They want to license the show?
Sweet.
We are gonna be so rich.
[UPBEAT TELEVISION THEME PLAYING]
Oh, shit.
This can't be good.
Know where your family is?
Don't look now.
They may be on a PC near you.
Imagine having your most private moments
Webcast for the whole world to see at the click of a mouse.
Well, stop imagining.
It's here.
Meet the Bellingers,
the unwitting stars of their own real-life sitcom.
Giving a whole new meaning to family home entertainment.
Could this be the trend of the future?
In-your-face reality TV?
Network executives say, "No way."
How could you not know what was going on?
I had pulled the plug on the satellite, the cable,
canceled all the magazines.
For a brief moment in time...
We were literally media castaways.
[***]
[BOYS GIGGLE]
[GIGGLING]
Excuse me. Is there a problem here?
How's Mr. Smuggles, Audrey?
[BOTH GIGGLE]
How do you know my name?
Who's Mr. Smuggles?
Your teddy bear?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Audrey, we need to talk.
[GASPING]
HARVEY: I'm telling you this baby's a classic.
It started slowly at first. People just stared.
Is that him?
And I felt terribly self-conscious,
like my fly was always open or something.
And then came the whispering,
the pointing, the giggling.
Yeah-- Oh.
And then it happened.
Ha.
[***]
[SECRETARY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
RECEPTIONIST: Bryant Bocelli?
[GASPS]
Look at this: leather-trimmed interior,
plenty of cup holders.
Make yourself comfortable there, huh?
Look at the workmanship.
Kids, jump in. Look at this, huh?
Your friends are gonna like that--
Oh, they found the magic third seat.
And especially for you kids, VHS, DVD...
and local TV. Huh?
First, you got to watch Survivor and Big Brother.
And now the World Wide Web is bringing to a computer near you
The Bellingers.
If they weren't so real, you'd think it was TV.
You can check this family's crazy antics yourself
at www.l-See-You.com.
And you'll think your family... Oh, my God.
...is suddenly really normal.
We leave you tonight with Harvey Bellinger
in his rendition of "You Made Me Love you."
We think.
Oh, yeah.
* I didn't want to do it *
[BOYS GIGGLE]
* You-- *
Yeah, You know. Let-- Let me--
Let me show you another one of my favorite cars, okay?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I got, uh-- Come on.
We're in the eyeball business.
Our job is to get as many as we can.
The more we get, the more ads we sell.
And in this shrinking market,
you guys are eyeball magnets.
This isn't TV, and it's not film.
This isn't about big stars or big productions.
This is about real people. Reality.
It is the hippest, coolest thing out there since...
fiction.
See, something about your homegrown little creation here
has really plugged into the Zeitgeist
of our target web demo.
And I think what we have here is a Blair Witch effect.
You got the key in the door to the next big thing.
And we wanna help you turn the key.
And open the door.
We do.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, PHONE RINGING]
RECEPTIONIST: Good morning. Insytive.
One moment, please.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Hello?
Mom?
Audrey?
Hello?
Mom?
Audrey?
Harvey?
Hello?
Audrey?
Mom?
Where is everybody?
Whoa!
Hey. Hey! Easy!
AUDREY: I'm completely ruined!
Hey! Whoa!
I can't go back to school!
What the hell were you thinking?
Colby Allen, do you have any idea
how awful this is for us?!
I-I-- I think there is something seriously wrong with you.
Forget about what you've done to me,
what about your poor mother?
I am so humiliated.
I am so embarrassed!
How could you take advantage of your family like this?
I can't believe you're my son.
Ah! Are you all quite finished?
Okay. Now, before you all have a collective meltdown,
let me just point out that
there have been some positive benefits
to this so-called disaster.
We're on the verge of a seven-figure deal
with one of the fastest Internet plays around.
They love us. Okay?
Not to mention, that over the last five weeks,
we've brought in an average of, oh, 17K a week.
Hi.
You are an unscrupulous opportunist, Colby.
You're not gonna pimp out your family for profit.
Did you say 17,000?
A week?
[***]
HARVEY: Yes, it's a lot of money,
but I don't see how you plan to keep this charade going.
Look...we go about our business as usual.
Nothing's changed.
We don't have cable, we don't read.
What makes you think people are gonna keep on watching?
Hah. You kidding? The public loves this shit.
I can see the day when there's nothing else on TV.
Unedited dysfunctional real life.
Total exposure, unvarnished?
And we've got the eyeballs to prove it.
I don't think you understand
what those eyeballs have seen me do.
You mean to say, there's...
cameras in the bathroom?
Hm.
Aah! Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
What? He's my son. I can kill him if I want to. Hey.
Look.
The money we're talking about is unbelievable.
And Mom...
you'd be back in your element.
Wouldn't it be nice to
put all those hard years of acting back to use?
Yeah.
Are you--? Uh-- Are you guys serious?
HARVEY: My dear child, I don't know how to put this to you,
but we can't make next month's mortgage.
Besides, Colby may have a point.
We, uh-- We just ride it out.
When everyone gets bored, take the money and run.
It's not gonna last long anyway.
It never does.
What's the worst that can happen?
So, Insytive flew Randi and Colby
to New York during spring break.
Uh, they closed the deal.
Colby, of course, lied about his age.
So how'd you convince your leading lady
to keep up the show?
Lydia?
[LAUGHS] She's an actor. Come on.
Your daughter. Ooh.
Misgivings about that one.
Not my proudest moment as a father.
Let's just say we...
met her terms and conditions.
[BEEPING]
Uh...
Hey, asswipe.
[SIGHS]
Hm?
Guess who got her bandages off today?
[***]
Sweet mother of Moses.
They're ginormous.
Ow.
In your freaking dreams, loser.
Is that post-surgical swelling, or the way they--
[OPENS SODA CAN]
Or the way they...
Not bad. [DOOR CLOSES]
[***]
Honey. I'm home!
Hello, darling. Daddy!
How was your day?
Just swell.
Mm.
Daddy! How's my little princess?
Colby, my son. I see you're back from your spring break.
Wh-- Huh?
COLBY: We got a problem.
RANDI: I know. I've been watching.
What the hell happened?
Did some aliens come down
and suck their brains out of their assholes?
Look at 'em. They look like a bad sitcom out of the '50s.
RANDI: We haven't had a new hit in 52 minutes.
Its dropping our average through the floor.
You've gotta come up with something fast.
Mm. [SIGHS]
HARVEY: See, I like this university.
More than 200 clubs and organizations.
And they have beaches in Malibu. Madeleine?
Don't mind if I do.
Colby, my brother. There you are.
Is something wrong? Why the long face?
I don't know, Audrey?
Maybe it's your new...
boob job.
You should massage them before they harden. Oh.
What are you doing, dickhead?
[ALL SCREAMING, YELLING]
Stop it!
Get your hands off her.
Remember this sound, Harvey?
What are you talking about?
Everything's going along as smooth as silk.
Let me just read you a few things
I pulled down off the Web.
"What used to be an inside, edgy,
"sometimes erotic look at real Americana,
has ebbed into a pretentious, manufactured embarrassment."
Ph, what's it say about me?
Hm, I got that one.
Want some chat room dialogue?
Oh, here it is: "The Bellinger Bitch Project."
"Headliner Audrey used to be my constant
"chicken-choking companion.
"What's with the turtle necks and the bathrobes?
How come no one uses the bathroom anymore?" Freaks.
[***]
LYDIA: Yo, what is this?
These are show bibles.
COLBY: Look, it's all very simple.
We need to take drastic steps.
These bibles outline our characters,
complete with back stories, foibles and new story lines.
Now, people want real, but above all, they want drama.
Conflict equals drama.
Drama equals hits.
Hits equal eyeballs, which equals...
Money.
Listen, everybody. We're flat. No sizzle. Boring.
If we don't do something and do it, like, right now,
our entire Insytive deal is gonna go up in smoke.
You know, they have the 2 mil in licensing fees alone.
Bondage? Forget this.
This is ridiculous.
I would never do this to your Mom.
With a dog?
RANDI: Well, we're gonna close out the quarter soft.
You know we got 14K from FreshPasta.com.
Another 10K from Bouquet of Fruits.
And, you know, twenty-six thou from, uh, Popeye's Chicken.
But Adam Brothers wants to renegotiate
becauseof our numbers.
I know we can turn this around.
We just got to keep amping up the stakes.
They'll come back, like flies to shit.
[SIGHS]
Hello?
Did you hear me?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
What?
You having doubts?
No. No, it's not that.
It's just that-- You--
It's just that we never have time to, like--
You know, just be with each other anymore alone.
I mean--
I mean, we have-- We've been, like, together,
for months and everything. It--
Oh, my God.
Okay. Well, you don't have to freak out about it.
No. No. Look at the site!
What?
HARVEY: Ouch. What the fuck are you doing? Ow.
Shut up and bark like a dog.
[TIMID BARKING]
Ow. Bark!
[BARKING] Bark!
[COCKS GUN]
Now, put on the mask.
Oh. For God's sake. Put it on!
RANDI: Shouldn't we do something?
I mean, shouldn't we call the cops?
What? And ruin this scene?
She's got a gun for crying out loud.
This is great.
HARVEY: Go on, do what you have to do, shit. Ow!
A real revolver?
I might have paid to have seen you in that situation.
Thanks. Unfortunately for you and the rest of the world,
the damage was done.
And we had lost so many hitters,
that virtually no one saw the gag anyway.
I saw it.
He was just like the gimp in Pulp Fiction.
Look, guys. This isn't working.
No, AC Nielsen, Media Metrix.
These are the lowest numbers
since you had a one-camera peepshow
with little Miss Tool Time.
You're just gonna pull the plug at the first sign of trouble?
[SCOFFS] Look.
I can appreciate your enthusiasm.
But we've spent a lot of money on you.
And we're now going to cut our losses.
Well, naturally, you will give us
the three weeks we need
to "cure" the problem.
If you'll indulge me for a minute.
Paragraph 34, double I.
"In the event of defect or default by the 'Producers'--
"that would be us --the 'Company'--
that would be you
"shall give 'Producers'-- us again
"--twenty-one working days to cure
such defect or...default."
What--?
That's-- It's, uh, standard, boilerplate.
I believe it also states in that section
that in the event...
the default or defect is not cured...
then "Producers--" that would be you
--are financially liable to the "Company."
That would be us.
We'll take that risk.
HARVEY: We'll take that risk?
COLBY: Uh, yeah. That's what we told 'em.
Three weeks? Are you guys fucking nuts?
Who do you think's gonna go to jail
when we can't make good on the money?
You, probably. I'm, uh, still a minor.
Heh. Well, you're no longer in charge of anything.
See, this is what we get
for listening to your scam-artist son
and his crazy-ass bondage ideas.
Yeah, well, it was a hell of a lot better
than your lame-o '50s sitcom shtick, Ward Cleaver.
If you had been paying more attention
to June and the Beaver, none of us would be in this mess.
Colby. Heh. See. I told you we weren't having enough sex.
Everybody seems to know it.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh. Sure, that's your answer to everything, isn't it, Lydia?
Why, you little silicone hypocrite.
You mean saline, you liposuction has-been.
HARVEY: That's enough!
I will not have you speak to us this way,
while you live under my roof.
If it weren't for me,
we'd all be living under your mother's roof.
Stop, okay.
The bottom line is sex sells.
Seventy-three percent of Internet users hit sites
which involve sex or nudity.
According to these stats...
Audrey's boobs are our greatest draw.
You know, she gets 48 percent of the total hit-ship. Hm.
I want a raise.
You already have two.
COLBY: Look. Bottom line.
We're not cutting it.
We need some new blood, a new character.
Maybe a professional. I don't know.
Maybe, uh, Inga,
the Swedish housekeeper?
Oh. I'm sure you'd love to live
that adolescent, cliché fantasy, dickweed.
Well, if I do, so does every other adolescent.
Let's not forget our target audience: 16-to-24 male.
No, no, no, no, no.
We got the cheesecake, we need the beefcake.
Female 18-to-34 is way down.
And who can blame them? I mean, all they got to look at
is a middle-age fart and a scrawny geek.
We need a hunk.
Mm.
Yes. Like a gorgeous, ripped Latin pool boy
with six-pack abs and a tight ass
you could bounce quarters off of.
Ooh. How about Antonio Sabato Jr.?
I don't know. The pool boy thing's been done to death.
It's too familiar. Feels, uh...
manufactured.
RANDI: What about a foreign exchange student? Comic relief?
A young Antonio Banderas.
Umm...maybe. Uh--
No, we could hire a pro. An actor.
COLBY: No. No, no, no. Too dangerous.
If anybody ever found out, we'd be ruined.
Speaking of which, we should burn those story bibles.
We can't use a real exchange student.
It would be way too unpredictable.
Welcome to Chart House.
Uh-- Uh.
"Kiro."
Ciro.
Oh. Oh, sorry. Ch-- Cheerio.
Uh-- Ciro.
ALL: Ciro.
Okay. Ahem.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Next week, log on as the Bellingers
get a new addition to the family.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[***] [SIGHS]
Oh, my.
Well, you must be Ciro.
Si. I'm Lydia.
Oh. Won't you come in?
[***]
Everybody...Ciro from Italy is here.
[GIGGLES]
This is my husband, Harvey.
Benvenuto.
Signore Harvey.
And this is-- Audrey.
So mice to neat you.
Ah-- N-nice. So nice t-to meet you.
A-and this is Colby, our son.
Hey.
Hey, let me give you a hand there.
I'll show you where you're staying. This way.
Oh. G-- Grazie.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
COLBY [WHISPERING]: Psst. Hey, guys.
Hey.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Psst.
HARVEY: Welcome to your new home, Cheerio.
Got the bathroom over there,
closet, nice, comfortable bed for you.
Ciao. Ciao.
[BEEPS]
COLBY: How's he doing?
AUDREY: He's just sitting there.
COLBY: Heh.
So...are we looking good?
No, we're dying.
LYDIA: Poor man. He's scared out of his mind.
HARVEY: Either that or he's a stultified moron.
RANDI: We shouldn't have told him about the cameras.
Ah, shit. We should have a hired a pro.
We gotta do something. Ah. This is ridiculous.
[SIGHS]
Wait a sec. What are you doing? Mm.
[SIGHS]
I am putting our business investments to work.
Your business investments? Uh-huh.
Okay. Okay.
What?
What is she doing?
You heard her.
She's putting our business investments to work.
[***]
Avanti.
[SIGHS] Hi.
[SIGHS] I thought you might be thirsty.
You know? After that...
long trip of yours from...
From Vienna? V--
A-actually, Vienna is in Austria.
I'm from Italy. From Venice, Italy.
Of course you are.
[GASPS]
[EXHALES]
Oops.
I keep a few of my extra clothes in here.
[SIGHS]
I hope you don't mind.
Mind?
Go, Audrey.
What is my baby girl doing?
Can danger come out to play?
I need a little danger in my life.
I'm horny, Harvey.
[SIGHS]
Lydia...not now.
Sure.
Why should this week be different from any other?
[GROANING]
I'm sorry, hon.
I'm just a little... preoccupied.
Do tell. [CAMERA BEEPS]
[HARVEY SIGHS]
I'm kind of worried about Audrey.
She seems a little too interested in Ciro,
if you know what I mean?
[HANGERS RATTLING]
I don't know. Am I being silly?
[SIGHS] Not at all.
He's a handsome...
ripped young man.
It's only natural for a woman to be attracted to him.
Girl. You said "woman," and Audrey's still a girl.
Right.
Do you think, uh...
he's, you know, uh...?
Circumcised?
Interested in Audrey? Nah.
I'm sure he hasn't even looked twice at her.
Oh, well, maybe if you could, uh, I don't know,
divert his attention from her.
No way.
I'm not suggesting you do anything
but flirt with the guy a little.
Just to get his mind off Audrey.
[BEEPS]
[WHISPERS] It'd be great for the ratings.
GIRL [ON PHONE]: Ah, you are so lucky.
He's a man. Not some pencil prick in high school.
Damn. Oh.
Is he really hot?
You should see his ass.
I could just take a bite out of it.
He sounds so hot. Mm.
[KATIE MARINO'S "LEAVE MY MAN ALONE" PLAYING]
* Ooh, girl, leave My man alone... *
AUDREY: That bitch!
She's trying to move in on my exchange student.
I gotta go, Nance.
* I'm not likin' what I'm seein' In this little game... *
Was I good or what? How are the numbers?
COLBY: Cha-ching.
We're back. Mom and Audrey are, like,
really getting into this Ciro guy.
Do all Italian men have muscles like this?
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Excuse me. Lydia? Can I talk to you?
Audrey, your-- Your surgeon called.
He-- He wanted to check on your fake boobs.
[AUDREY GASPING]
Ahh!
Will you excuse us, please? I need to talk to her.
Ciro, if you change your mind about that massage,
I have great hands.
Maybe he could take a rain check.
Lydia's got a doctor's appointment.
No, I don't.
Heh. You know, your estrogen injection
and that nasty yeast infection.
[GASPS]
* Walk around like you Own the play *
[IN ITALIAN]
* And I'm likin' what I'm seein' in this little game you do *
* It's obvious *
* You're my man *
* You can't have him *
* You better leave my man Alone. Alone. Alone. *
* Alone * * You're my man... *
HARVEY: Ciro's initial stage fright
quickly became the least of our problems.
How's that?
Somewhere along the line,
things really got out of control.
We, uh...
We became these characters, caricatures.
I basically pushed Lydia into Ciro's arms...
and she locked onto that...
like a laser beam.
Unfortunately...
so did Audrey.
[***]
Oh, my goodness.
Ciro...can I help you find something?
Perfetto.
No, no. I'm okay. Thank you.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
Have you ever had Agnolotti all'Aragosta?
No. But it sounds delicious.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Oh. I cannot cook or make love in shoes.
Hm. Hm.
I grew up in the shadow of Mount Etna.
I thought you grew up in Venice.
Oh, yes, but I had family in Sicilia.
I would-- I would visit in summer.
Cooking is like a religion in my family.
It's what I love to do the most.
I love to cook also. Heh.
Ah, but for Italians...
cooking is an emotional experience.
Like making love.
The heat, the fire, the passion,
the waiting for the right moment, and then--
And then the climax. [GASPS]
[LAUGHS]
[BLOWS] [SQUEALS, LAUGHS]
And cooking is play. Play, love and art.
[BLOWS] Oh.
Lydia.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Come. You help me. Okay.
Here's the flour.
The flour...is the body. Mm-hm.
The earth. Ah.
From which all things begin and end.
See?
Now, Lydia...
here comes the source of life and energy.
Now...
pour it in the womb.
See? [SPEAKS ITALIAN]
[MOANING]
Mm.
Huh? Mm.
Lydia! What are you doing?!
Coming-- Cooking. I'm cooking with Ciro.
We're-- We're making ravioli. Agnolotti.
We're creating life. You must help us.
Viene. Viene.
I think I will.
Mm.
Oh, Ciro.
I don't think I'm doing this right.
Maybe you should run along and do your homework.
Um, come help me.
No. No, no, actually, uh-- Uh, I'll show you.
Si.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
Uh, slow... Mm-hm.
...long.
Slow strokes like this.
Let it mold into your hands. Huh? Into thick rolls.
[BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[MOANING]
Like this, Ciro?
Huh?
Perfetto.
A kiss for good luck. Ah.
Okay. Now, we have to move faster and faster
before it gets too hard.
All right, now. Faster, faster.
Like this. Si, si, faster. Faster.
[BOTH MOANING]
Eh? We can go faster.
Oh, my--
God!
Oh.
Damn good, Cheerio.
[***]
Ciro is the master.
Mm.
We should cook together more often.
We should sell this stuff online.
Mm. Damn good, Cheerio.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Not bad? Are you kidding?
It's too bad you didn't have any shaved white truffles.
That would have really crowned it.
Tar--
[CLEARS THROAT]
Tartufi bianchi with seafood?
I would never have thought of that combination.
It's-- Sounds really good.
My dad was a chef.
Next week, will the sexy Italian exchange student
get private lessons in love?
And if so, who from? Mother or daughter?
Log on to see what they won't show you on TV.
I-See-You.com.
[SIGHS]
COLBY: All right, we just hit 10 million hits.
Yeah!
Kid. That's the last time I do voice-over in a sauna.
But Mr. La Fontaine, it's a shower.
[G TOM MAC'S "I SEE YOU" PLAYING]
LA FONTAINE: Know where your family is?
Don't look now. They may be on the Web
for the whole wide world to see.
* Watch you, watch me see you through my naked eye *
* Watch the future Turn up your TV *
* Look at what you never seen *
* There are no limits To the modern spy *
* If you want to be My future star *
* All you got to do is open up Your windows up to mine *
* Every day is prime time Never mind... *
LA FONTAINE: Meet the Bellingers:
Harvey, Lydia, Audrey and Colby.
And watch America's real nuclear family
melt down on a computer near you.
* I see you... *
I-See-You.com.
If they weren't so real,
you'd think it was TV.
* I see you From another point of view *
* Watching everything You do... *
I-See-You.com.
Giving a whole new meaning to family home entertainment.
After living with the Bellingers,
you'll thank God this train wreck isn't yours.
* All you really want to do *
* Open your windows up to mine *
* Every day is prime time Never mind your cable days... *
RANDI: "Which is how I came up with the name."
Um, excuse me, king of the world,
I came up with the name, remember?
Yeah. Uh, I mentioned that.
They must have just edited it out or something.
[PIANO PLAYING]
You know, babe...
I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
Now that our numbers are up
and our Internet partners are all happy again,
I wanted to talk to you about fleshing out the C story.
The "C story"?
Yeah, you know how the A story is basically the family,
Audrey, her boobs, and bending over and stuff.
And the B story is basically the whole Ciro business.
Well, the C story, which is as yet undeveloped,
is me and you, which is relatively, uh...flat.
Flat? What are you talking about?
We need a new character. I mean, nothing personal.
Our real relationship will stay the same off camera.
But on camera, things are gonna be a different deal.
Dysfunction sells.
So, what I'm thinking is, we basically
replace your character to build some drama,
have a big confrontation, a big breakup, you know?
And, uh...you know, you'll have a great exit.
You're throwing me off the show?
Well, no. Just your character, babe.
What? I mean, am I not good enough?
Am I not pretty enough to be your girlfriend?
I mean, what?
It has nothing to do with how I feel.
I mean, you saw what happened to the numbers
when we brought Ciro onboard. Hell, it was your idea, right?
Besides, it's way too heavily slanted female.
So I think it's pretty obvious that I should have
the equivalent new love interest.
I think the big blowup should be next Tuesday.
Big dramatic breakup?
Yeah.
Hm.
Well, why wait?
Huh?
I said, "Why wait?"
You insignificant, pretentious, shrimp-dick,
fucked-your-own-sister asshole! Whoa!
[SCREAMS]
Check.
Hey. Psycho.
Enter...Jessica.
Jessica.
Who the hell's Jessica?
Oh, man. Jessica. Heh.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Son of a-- This can't be right.
Hi.
Oh. Can I help you?
I'm Jessica.
Colby's friend.
Ah. Sure. Come on in, please.
Okay.
I'll, uh-- I'll let him know you're here.
Okay, thanks.
Jessica. Yeah.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[***]
Colby. Hi.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
And you are? Jessica.
Jessica. Uh-huh.
What a beautiful name. Jessica. [GIGGLES]
Jess-
Hi. Hi. Hi.
Come here.
Hey. Hey.
Who the hell is Jessica?
She here? She hot?
Yeah, but who is she? My new "girlfriend."
I invited her over to watch Barry Kibrick.
Who said you could have a new girl?
Who said I couldn't? I'm the showrunner.
I'm the creative executive producer.
I'm the fucking network.
Ah, I'm out of here. What about Randi?
She went psycho.
HARVEY: She went psycho?
I went psycho?
Hey. Before you go down there, we need to talk a minute.
Is this an error, or are we really short 296 thou?
What are you talking about?
No.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Colby.
That's Colby.
Oh, Colby.
[LAUGHS]
I almost forgot what you looked like.
We have to talk about my contract rider.
I'm not doing any nudity.
Ciao bella.
I see you've met Ciro,
our exchange student from the mafia.
[GIGGLES] Mwah.
Shh.
Cool. Yeah.
KIBRICK [ON TV]: Colby, let's get back to the embryo of the idea
that put I-See-You on the worldwide map.
I mean, who or what inspired you to do this?
COLBY: You know, it was weird.
It just sort of came to me.
Randi.
I sensed a collective alienation.
Isn't that Colby?
And a hunger for raw, unmanufactured reality.
Sort of a schadenfreude, that America would watch
because they were thinking:
"Thank God there are other families
"out there that make mine look normal."
Sounds like he's taking all the credit, sweetie.
KIBRICK: ...by self or divinity, Colby, you do write these words:
That you designed and executed the website,
handled all the now- precedent-setting
business deals all on your own.
The power of a singular vision, Barry.
In fact, as you know, it's the title of my new book.
Yes, and, uh, quite obviously understated.
[SIGHS]
That was a huge mistake.
What? What was a mistake?
Jessica?
Jessica, the book, the Barry Kibrick interview,
the whole thing.
Because of Randi, right?
Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.
That's right, baby.
[CHUCKLING]
[SIGHS]
You fucker.
[***]
[BEEPING]
Hi.
It's so hot out.
I couldn't sleep.
I hope you don't mind.
Share a cool drink with me?
Mm.
Oh.
Mm. Oh.
Haven't we played this game...
long enough?
[CLEARS THROAT]
[***]
Was that the pool? I-- I don't know.
Hm.
You stay here.
[DRAMATICALLY] I'll see.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Signora Bellinger.
Ciro.
It's such a hot night tonight. Don't you think?
[YAWNS]
[***]
Signora Bellinger.
Signora Bellinger. Lydia.
Signora Bellinger, it's really cold out,
and you could catch pneumonia.
Mm.
I was hoping to catch something else.
[SIGHS]
Are you gonna come in?
Or do I have to come out and get you?
[LAUGHS]
Signora Bellinger. Oh. Ho-ho.
It's nice to see that a...38-year-old woman
can still get a rise out of you. Hm.
Thirty-eight? What--?
[MOANS]
Signora Bellinger, but--
[GIGGLES]
AUDREY [GASPS]: Lydia!
Audrey. [GASPS]
HARVEY: Lydia?!
Audrey?! What the hell's going on?!
Harvey. Oh, my--
That's it. I'm raising the ad rates in the morning.
Harvey.
[GROANS]
Sweetheart! No, don't you sweetheart me, Lydia.
[CAR ALARM BLARING] Shit. Shit.
Don't you think you're just overreacting just a little?
Nothing happened. We were just acting.
Acting?! You were fucking naked!
You were this close to taking the meat thermometer
from the master chef of Milan.
Venice or Sorrento. It's not clear.
Let's not forget whose idea this all was. Uh-huh.
"Just divert his attention from my daughter."
Besides, weren't you the one that said,
"This is all an act. We're just playing characters"?
Oh, oh, oh. So I suppose you were just gonna fake
your orgasm with Ciro then, huh?
[CAR ALARM BLARING] I'm quite certain
I would have had to! See what I mean?
You were never acting.
You...menopausal nymphomaniac actress.
I am not menopausal! Oh, fine.
And I had to literally hold
a gun to your head just to make love.
You knew from the day you met me
that I have an elevated libido.
[YELLS]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
This better not be drama happening in here.
'Cause if it is, take it inside. This camera isn't...
[GASPS]
I don't know what's with you people.
But, like, the whole world is waiting to see the fallout
from this Ciro thing will be.
Colby, can you just give us a few minutes?
Sure, sure. Take all the time you need.
But just let me put some things in perspective.
The tires you're driving on? Free. Promo deal.
The Cokes in our fridge. Free.
The designer robes, gratis.
And while Bugle Boy and Billabong are fighting
over who gets our six-figure exclusive,
our banner ads just hit 5K a pop.
Fuck off, Colby. Fuck off, Colby.
And speaking of money,
I'd like to know what happened to the missing 300,000.
What 300,000?
There's 300,000 missing from our cash account.
Excuse me. Are you accusing me?
Hey, I'm not the compulsive gambler
with the market addiction.
You really need to see a therapist or something.
How about a divorce lawyer?
Fine! Fine!
[GRUNTS]
Fuck.
[GARAGE DOOR OPENS]
[STARTS ENGINE]
[GLASS SHATTERS] Uh. What the hell was that--?
[SCOFFS]
Mr. Bellinger. Mr. Bellinger.
Is it true that I-See-You is nothing but a fraud?
Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
Just, can you comment on the events earlier?
That Insytive is suing you?
HARVEY: What?
Pack it up, Colby. We're out of here.
And get rid of the bimbo. Mom?
Excuse me?
Everybody, let's just
calm down here a moment, okay?
Colby, do you have any idea what has happened here?
Leaving so soon? What a shame.
I've had just about enough tonight, Audrey.
Enough? Enough?!
You pissed away all our money, driven my poor dad nuts,
stolen my boyfriend, and you've had enough?
Uh, you go, girl.
And you can just shut your clam, sister.
[GASPS] [CHUCKLES]
[SCOFFS] I guess you found a way
to get laid after all, pencil prick.
Pay for it.
I don't have to take this
from some bullshit amateur Internet joke.
I'm a professional. You'll hear from my agent.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, baby. I'm sorry.
Don't run.
REPORTER 1: Mr. Bellinger. REPORTER 2: Mr. Bellinger, is--?
Back so soon?
What the hell?
Whoa.
What is it?
The landing of a mother ship.
I'm sorry. I will have a full statement for you later.
REPORTER 2: How do you answer the claims
that your life is all a staged sham?
REPORTER 3: Right here. Mr. Bellinger, please.
Just one comment, please.
We're back. What are you talking about?
We're exposed. It's over. We're over.
Listen, I know I said some things.
We all said-- Did things. I'll be the first to admit
we all went a little overboard.
But look where it's gotten us.
Guys, we're on the cover
of People magazine.
You can't buy publicity like this.
[WHIMPERS]
Look out the window.
Look. And this is just the beginning.
Yeah. Beginning of the end, Harv.
We got the network news on the front lawn.
First, we'll call a press conference.
We'll deny all of Randi's claims.
Then we will set up the controversy.
Oh, Harvey. Would you hear what you're saying?
What are you talking about?
Daddy, maybe it's time to pack it in.
Quit?
We just hit the big time.
We're mainstream.
Ah!
There are a lot of reporters out there.
Hey. You two wanna quit? Fine.
Audrey, upstairs. Now.
And don't forget...
I still got Ciro.
What do you mean, you've got Ciro?
Uh, Dad?
I think I'm gonna be staying at Nancy's for a few days.
Come on, Colby. We're leaving.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
You go out there now...
it's all over.
Everything we built...
will be ruined.
It's already ruined, Harvey.
Now, move aside.
[***]
What are you gonna do, Harvey? Club us with the Tiki man?
Calm down, Signore Bellinger.
Just calm down. Come on, Harv.
Just hand over the blunt object
before it winds up in a police report.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SHRIEKS]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. CIRO: Signore Bellinger.
Audrey. Audrey.
Harvey, stay away from her. Stay away from her!
It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault.
Jeez. Are you okay, sweetie?
[GROANING]
[SHUTTERS CLICKING] HARVEY: Hold on! Wait!
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
You're not supposed to go in there.
Okay. I'll call you from the hospital.
Look, I'll be right over as soon as I'm finished.
I love you. Oh, sweetie.
What have I done?
Back off, back off!
Just back off, please.
[***]
[SIGHS]
How is Audrey doing? A-any news?
I can see that you are really upset,
and I feel badly.
You know...
in my country, we do not--
How do you say that?
We do not dwell on the negative.
We celebrate the positive.
There is so much positive...
to be about.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
We cook together, eh?
Eh?
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Fucker.
Son of a bitch.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Fucker.
Wait, you're hurting me now. You're hurting me.
Eh. I don't wanna fight. I don't wanna fight.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN] [SCREAMS]
Aah! [BOTH SCREAM]
I like you.
Damn right, you fucking asshole.
I like you. I like you.
You motherfucking Italian wife stealer.
You're crazy, Signore Bellinger.
It's all over!
Everything's fucked.
[STATIC] HARVEY: Eyeballs?
You want eyeballs?
You want hits?
I'll give you hits, you voyeuristic bastards.
[LAUGHING, PANTING]
This is all your fault, assholes.
[GRUNTING]
Not enough drama for you, huh?!
I got your frigging drama right here!
[GRUNTS]
[GAS HISSING]
[INHALING]
Figured out the big finish yet?
Oh, yeah. [BEEPS]
RISHWAIN: You're a lucky man.
'Cause I hit a gas main?
Because you didn't kill anybody.
We wouldn't even be here talking. Yeah.
And the family?
Audrey's at UCLA.
My little girl had to grow up pretty fast.
She, uh-- She visits.
Things were sort of strained
with Lydia and I after the trial.
Uh, but I guess that's to be expected
with...me here and, uh--
And her, uh...
Who really knows?
So, what about Colby?
I didn't talk to him for a year...
even though he tried to patch things up.
Took me two years to realize that...
uh, I could hardly blame him without blaming myself.
So...
w-what happened to the 300K?
[CHUCKLES]
[***]
[GATE CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
Hey there, handsome.
Hey. Hm.
You got that Tim Robbins thing going for you.
You know, like at the end of Shawshank Redemption.
That would make you, what? Morgan Freeman?
Exactly.
I'm sorry we're late.
We had...some issues.
You look like crap. Thank you.
Good to see you too, Mother.
Hi, Daddy. Hey, pumpkin.
Hey. Let me get that for you. Hey.
Why, thank you.
What's with the, uh--?
Real-time product placement.
Real-time what? [GRUNTS]
What's this thing cost? AUDREY: Nothing.
Nothing? Yeah.
COLBY: Well, nothing as long as we drive 400 miles a week
around upper-middle-income neighborhoods, nothing.
HARVEY: What do you mean nothing?
COLBY: Oh, I mean, I went to Hummer of Sherman Oaks.
Got them to play ball in exchange
for plastering their name everywhere. [SIGHS]
Then made a bunch of deals with several corporate sponsors.
Okay, I don't even wanna know.
Forget I asked.
COLBY: So...Dad...
I've been coming up with a plan to get us back on our feet
and out of Grandma's house fast.
Don't do me any favors. No one's asking you to stay.
Do you think I'm gonna listen for a second
to anything you come up with after what I've been through?
DORIS: So, Harvey, I'm gonna need to be paid back
now that you're, well, able-bodied.
I mean, I-- I'm out a lot of money.
Mom, we're not even a mile
from where I spent the last three years
being someone's girlfriend. AUDREY: Gross.
Think this might wait until we hit the freeway.
Or until I get a job?
What about the 300K?
Everybody knows you salted it away someplace.
I don't have 300K, Mother. I never had it.
Someone else here might know
where it went, but I sure don't.
[***]
Don't look at me. We thought you had it.
AUDREY: Yeah, Daddy.
I told you, I don't have it.
Well, if you don't, where the hell did it go?
HARVEY AND COLBY: Randi.
Thanks.
[***]
Hi. VALET: Do you have the ticket?
MAN: Got it. I think I parked in, uh, Section 1-6.
VALET 1: Welcome to Ciro's. Thank you.
VALET 2: Welcome to Ciro's. GARRY: Ah, thank you, my man.
There's a bit of Italian heaven in L.A.
Look how packed this place is, Chloe.
You did confirm our reservations for all six, huh?
Uh, right, Garry.
I confirmed them last week and this morning.
We've been on their waiting list for two weeks.
And you used my name?
Of course. It would have been a month otherwise.
I'm so happy for Randi.
That kid must be printing money in here.
Hi, Mr. Marshall.
Randi. You look beautiful.
Mr. Marshall, Chloe. You look wonderful.
Come, please. We have your table all ready for you.
The other people are on their way.
Looks like business is booming.
RANDI: It is booming. Where's your partner in crime?
RANDI: Here he is. CIRO: Garry.
Hi! Hey, hey.
Hey!
Chloe. Good to see you. Ciro.
Please, please, be seated. Be seated.
What can I get you tonight? The rigatoni?
No, no, no. Your masterpiece.
Lobster Agnolotti. Ah.
Lobster Agnolotti. Sauce on the side.
Sauce on the side.
Coming right up. You got it. Okay.
Good. He cooks without his shoes on.
Yeah. Cannot cook
or make love in shoes.
I'll be-- I'll be right back, okay?
But he doesn't put his toes in the lobster.
God, I hope not.
[LAUGHTER]
[***]